The ioHann Test

yesterday i killed a cat
it happened all so fast…

i love cats.
they are the only kind of animal
i’d have for my own
in my house
in my kitchen
on my bed…

but it just happened.

the cat wasn’t mine
it was from another owner
one night i got locked
out of the house
and had to wait all night
for my parents to return
when this beautiful black cat
with glaring eyes
crept in the gate
and sat beside me
i talked to her
but didn’t touch her
i knew cat’s instincts
they don’t like to be touched by strangers
but she was purring
and started to come near me
her crystal eyes were fixed on mine
very dearly, calmly
i sat with her all night without touching
but she looked at me
as if begging to be stroked
pleading for my warmth
and we stayed
and we slept.
and we drifted.
everyday she came by
ever since that night
i never knew who owned her
or where she went home
but every morning
she’d be on my doorstep
in my house
in my kitchen
on my bed

and then one day she stopped visiting.
i never knew why.
could she be mad at me?
have i not given her enough?
did my time with her not suffice?
or could she have found a new master?
then i was stunned by what i have said
i said "master" thinking of myself
i was never her master
i knew that from the beginning
even though she treated me
ever so religiously
like i was her one and only master
she was never.

one cold night
after a week
i heard something scratching
at my door
i opened it and saw it once again
those crystal twinkling eyes
of my beautiful black cat
standing on my doorstep
staring at me with a look of pleading
she was drenched in the rain
with mud all over
one of her legs seemed to be injured

then i asked her
"where have you been?"
she did not answer
"why did you disappear?"
still she did not answer
"that’s all i need to know"
i said
"i just need an answer"
then softly she opened her dry weak mouth
and said…

"maybe some things aren’t meant to be answered"

SHOCKED with what i’ve seen and heard
my heart pounded faster
my mind started to spin
my forehead started sweating
my lips were trembling
my neck and jaw tensed up
my hands found her throat
and gripped the life out of her
she buried her claws
of all four paws
in my fingers, my hands
in my arms and elbows
ripping off my skin and flesh
but still i didn’t loosen
my blood was flowing
and staining all over
my tissue was under
her every claw
but her life was fleeting her
her body weakening
soaked in my blood
i saw those crystal teary eyes dilate
as her last gasp of breath
never got out
and it was over.

yesterday i killed a cat
and im not sure why
is it because she abandoned me?
or because i was so
FREAKIN SCARED OF
POSSESSED TALKING
BLACK KITTYS WHO
STARE AT YOU LIKE
SHE’S GONNA EAT YOU
mammeeeee….

i tried to get used to it… accept it. accept the fact and reality that everyone gets busy having their own businesses to do, having their own priorities –’Everyone‘ includes FRIENDS and even myself –, a prerequisite fact to justify the absence of expectation and assumption of an individual to a so-called "friend" on anything and everything. in short, you should never expect a friend or friends to always be there when you need them, always make you feel loved, always there to comfort you, always a shoulder to cry on. . . "always" — that is the most common uncertainty in the role of a friend in a friendship, although we try very much to deny it. Thats why it is stupid and unwise to be totally dependent on Friends. people who demand of their friends, like time and other things, are weak and pathetic. and if their demands are not met, they feel that they have every right to get mad at their ‘friend’ who may have chose to do another thing than meet this person’s demand of his or her time. That, my friends, is the most pathetic state of a "friend" i know of. also labeled as "selfish son-of-a-bitch" in my vocabulary. But cases like me who seem to convince my own self that i have accpted such reality of the inaccuracy and paradox of "friendship", friends, real friends, true friends, and all that bullshit… still find myself inevitable of *paranoia* everytime i experience these realities… everytime human emotion starts to feel *alone* or *unnoticed*, such paranoia leading to more complicated and senseless conclusions in my mind which most likely will end up cursing myself for some reason. Some people can’t bear to be alone. So afraid that they’d do anything to feel that someone is there with you, beside you, accompanying you all the way… but such things, unfortunately, are but temporary. REAL friends, TRUE friends, and such titles are NOT measured by the amount of time they spend with you, how much they make you feel important, special, loved etc, or how far they will go to prove that they are your true and real friends. What are the standars then? you really want to know? ……….. none. there is no such thing as a real and true friend. why? BECAUSE WE ARE ALL F**CK*NG HUMAN, THAT’S WHY. we think we have friends, thats the best we can do. we think we ourselves are friends, but to what extent? for how long?

my conclusion: Live with what you have and accept it. if they go, if they abandon, if they falter, if they fade, if they dissappear… then let them be. Do not fear the ephimeral reality of people around you, accept it. Do not fear being alone, live as if you always are.

"the greatest pain in this world is not to die, but to be forgotten" — quoted by some 14 yr old girl who committed suicide

(in resopnse) "…some people just LOVE pain. i’m addicted to it" — ioHann