The ioHann Test

"it’s not you… it’s me" –one of the most f*cked up cliche break up lines. i hate cliches.

that’s why you never heard me say it.

There is a reason why things become cliches.  It only shows that it is a constantly reoccuring reality.  As much as i want to deviate from being subjected to constantly reoccuring realities, it is inevitable.

…i’m probably just caught in the spiral of death.

i’m tired of trying to make myself feel things i just don’t.
i’m tired of trying to fit in the social norm of happiness, because i just don’t.
i’m tired of wanting to be able to feel.
i’m tired of wanting to love, coz i just can’t.
i’m tired of wanting to see myself fall in love, because i end up forcing myself to, because society says love is good and love equates happiness, because society makes me believe that i am not truly happy if i’m not in love, or that i can be happier when i feel love….

because i don’t.
i don’t fall in love.
i don’t feel love.
i don’t feel.
i’m a ghost.
i’m numb.

and i know it too much that i have been fighting this numbness for years and just ended up hurting, and hurting, and hurting some more, and it wont stop until i defy what society says and accept the fact that i am numb.

i’m tired of apologizing because of this numbness.
i’m tired of sounding like i don’t have a choice
or i can’t do anything about it.
you know i have a choice, and you probably know that i’ve made my decision.
i’m tired of what-ifs, and what-could-have’s
im tired of saving memories in my inbox pretending that they mean something to me
i’m tired of writing songs about the people who hurt me, and the peole i hurt
i’m tired of hating myself
hating myself so much
i’m tired of mind games
im tired of manipulating people
i’m tired of getting manupilated
i’m tired of waiting for something special to happen
i’m tired of trying to be spontaneous
i’m tired of wanting to be spontaneous
i’m tired of being a masochist
i’m tired of explaining to people that i’m not suicidal and i’m not going to kill myself
i’m tired of fantasizing about what my funeral would look like

i’m tired of feeling tired of this bullshit.

…but i’m not tired of living.
hell no i ain’t tired of living.
give me more of this bullshit.

I am a ghost

Forsaken abandoned

I am a host

Of void and oblivion

Nonexistent

Of any emotion

A wraith
In this
time continuum

I am weary

For  someone to blame

I am dreary
It is never same

Eyes are teary

in the light of shame
Ever so lonely

it was all a game

touch me not

for you will disturb
me
love me not

for I am unworthy